................

I hate.

Busted

Oh crap. Someone found out about my blog. Yikes. And I was caught talking about that specific person whose name I should not mention.

Anyway, I dont think its such a bad thing anyway. Assuming this person is one of the important people in my life. So yea.

Having said all that, IF in the remotest possibility that you are reading this, which I dont think you might given the fact that I said I havent written in ages which would imply that I may or may not be writing much... This aint really a blog. Its like a journal. Its not private cause one day I might forget my password at least I get to view it. Hmmmm... And its just me spilling my errr guts out?

I mean, really? Would you wanna hear my rambling about what is going on in my life anyway? So yea. I'd guess not. This is where i SOMETIME ramble my thoughts. Come to think of it, IF you are one of the important person in my life, wouldn't it just be logical for you to actually listen to me ramble? I mean... For me to talk about my day to... About my ups and downs...


Shit.

Now it got me to thinking. That is right. Absolutely right.I guess we have been fairly distant. Despite seeing each other everyday, we don't speak to each other. OMG. Now I feel lonely. I am trying to recall. The time when we used to speak over the phone. And asks each other about our day.

Now.. there is no more, calling just to say I miss you, and obviously no more I love yous. I'm having cramps as I type. Its me who hasn't seen it I guess. The only I Love Yous are replies which were swallowed when uttered. There isnt even a Bye anymore.

Probably I am asking for too much. I dont know. We're gonna talk on Thursday. I should keep an open mind. Perhaps. Insyaallah.

If this post is busted too...then.. fairwell blog.

I have been thinking about you. I just forgot how to log in... I am using the old laptop now actually. Cause I kinda put it on bookmark. Its not on my Macbook. :(

Till then...

Abuse

Abuse comes in many forms. Physical, mental, emotional...

Why am I putting up with this?

Grrrrr

I dont know this feeling! I hate it!!!!! Why do I have to go through this? I dont like it not one bit. Maybe I should make a decision. Like pronto!

I smell fish. Or fishes. Anyway, what can i say? I cant say much now can I? Grrrrr i will roar once i get pushed over my limits.

I feel like screaming now. I do. I hate uncertainties. It makes me feel like crap. Sigh.

Till then.
:'(

Hey Square One! Again!

Since my last post, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Daily fights that is causing major distractions and recurrent heartaches. We're not gonna make it. In fact, it ended last night. Despite everything that happened, I miss him greatly. That is normal I guess. Insyaallah I'll be fine. I am so weak right now. I am vulnerable. I am in a lot of pain. Emotionally. Mentally. And physically tired. I'm knackered.

At least we tried. With both hands and feet. Its just that I wasnt what he desired. Thus, I dont see the point in trying to make things work when they just aren't. Its probably like fixing a broken glass. The flaws and cracks will always be seen, and yet it is still susceptible to just shatter in pieces. Or in other words, just like an unstable chemical, that may lead to explosion.

I am not ok.

i love it when we're cruisin' together...

Back again. Anyway, I am on Cloud9. And I am happy. Alhamdulillah. Although, yes I need adjusting. Its probably not gonna be an easy ride. But I am ready to try. Since I have..hmmm.. leaped? Leaped into this relationship with the person who is making me smile while typing :)

I am glad he is making this easy, for the both of us. Like I said, it should be easy. No games. No beating around the bush etc. I'm loving every second of what I'm feeling right now. Although, hmmm... talks about future does give me goosebumps but I am slowly accepting the idea. Insyaallah.

I dont know where we're headed. But we're on our way. :) May have stolen that from someone. hahahahah But i mean it. Ok thats all for now. I am missing him soooo very much right now. Cant wait to see him soon.

xoxo

Just the way you are

Pressure. Its kicking in now. I guess this love is not easy after all. Maybe, just maybe, it will end before we even realize it.

Often times... hate is more genuine than love. Self explanatory.
Why am I sad? Well, the fact that the word "love" means very little to some. Easy come, easy go.

I have been running away from all this crap. Right back where I started. Maybe, there is something about me that triggers him off so easily. I will drive him away, eventually. What is the point anymore. Really. Manage expectations. That is easier said than done.

Maybe I am not in love too. Its crazy. This is crazy. I'm digging my own grave.

I always bounce back. Each time it hurts less, I guess. I should stay numb.

Till then.

k a n g e n

Aduhai. Ive been listening to sappy love songs now. Sigh.Not Again! hahaahha anyway, feeling is good. For now. Insyaallah it'll be great all the way through. Missing someone badly is soooo not easy.

I know I need to rationalize things. Dont get too carried away. I must remember, even water runs dry.Love can too. I hope its not just infatuation. I hope the feelings are real. Ive always believed that love should be easy. No games. No problems. No draining of emotions. And Im glad I found someone who thinks and feels the sme way as I do.

Yes. I am terrified of commitments. Its not that Im not ready to get married and all. Its just that shit happens a lot back then when marriage was on the platter. What Im having with him now, has no pressure on me. I dont know where this might lead us to. But I hope its to a good place. Im tired of relationships. But Im loving every second of it. I may get bitten in the ass. I dont know. And like I said, I always always learn things the hard way.

Now Im adding pressure to myself. Rationalize. Sigh. I am falling for him. Hopefully not too fast than I can manage. He is different. Just sad that I have turned into this stonecold b**** no thanks to my past experience. But Im adjusting.

I miss you sayang. Like maaaddddness. Anyway, cant wait to see him next Monday :( a week from today. I rally wish we'll do great and I wont need to delete this post.

xoxo

Im back mate!

Just got back from Gold Coast. Trip was alright. Of course we had Sofea for the whole 4 days which was fun! heheheh... but it rained almost everyday there. That sucked. We ended up shopping more hehehehe not complaining but would have loved to see more surfers and sun and sand :D

Didnt take that many photos though. Hmmm maybe this wasnt a camwhoring trip hahahaha... i took photos, just not of myself..thats a change. Anyway, I went to Movieworld. That was fun. Went on all the rides there and then it started drizzling. Potong stim la weyyy!!!! hahahaha rempits

We only went for 4 days. It was ok la. Enough damage la! I thnk I bought 27 dresses! ahhahaha scarrrryyyyy dont know what happened, really!

Anyway, I am smitten as hell now.

:D

xoxo

Its been a while

Yes.. It has been a while since i last posted anything up here. Seems kinda weird now. Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote.

I am still loving my space, alone. I enjoy it a lot. Oh did I mention I quit smoking? Hmmm... Well that took place after my surgery. I was sick waaaay too often for my own good and found out I had chronic sinusitis. So I actually made a promise to myself to quit smoking since I know my health was deteriorating before my eyes. So thats what I did. I quit on New Year's day. Right from 0000hours!
Insyaallah I will be able to go through this. Alhamdulillah it has been easy.

Anyway, I have been shishaing. If that helps. Hmmmm....In my defense, I do not inhale the vapour from shisha. I only like the sweet taste. And probably Im still addicted to blowing. Hmmmm

So what else is new here? I found a new hangout place. Its called Tajine. As selfish as I may sound, I like the fact that this place is quiet. Most of the time. I have privacy, WiFi, shisha, and excellent service. Prices here are also reasonable. I love it. Its a minute drive from my pad. Lovely.

I have been pretty busy with results. Well, its February. What do you expect huh? Most of the companies decided to release their results at the final week itself. Madness I tell you! I havent had enough sleep in ages. Or weeks. K la dramaqueen!!! heheheh

Tomorrow night I'll be off to Gold Coast. With my family! Can you believe it? We havent done this in agesss!! NOW thats a FACT!! The ONLY sole reason as to why we're going for a holiday is SOFEA! ehhehehe
oh Yeah! She turned 1 2 weeks back. What a delight! She is soooo smart!!! MasyaAllah. The cutest ever! Cant wait for the trip.

Anyway, I have a new song in my head that I kept repeating. "Your Heart is As Black As Night"...by Melody Gardot..
Cause your hands may be strong, and the feeling is all wrong..but your heart is as black as night..