L.O.V.E

Ok. Let's talk about me. I am Farhana Hamzah. I was born in KL and I'd like to say that I was raised in KL. The truth is, I was raised in Melaka cukup. When I was a baby, my grandparents sent me to this nenek tepi sungai to look after me. Like bidan or something and cause she was really poor and she needed the money. Nobel. But I remember visiting her until she passed. May Allah bless her soul. 

Then, my grandparents looked after me till I was like 4? I was my atok's little girl. My grandfather's name was Mohamed Noor Nordin. More like Prof. Dr Hj Mohd Noor Nordin. He was one of the founders wait... he was the one popularized Homeopathy medicine in Malaysia, back in the days. He was a disciple of Prof Burhanuddin Helmi. Atok was also in politics back then. Before PAS he was with Melayu Raya? eh something like that. So yea, my atok was one of the greatest man alive. I would say, he was one of the True Muslim i know. Atok never judged. And he always believed in people. I am proud to be his grandaughter. Al-Fatihah. 

After Melaka, I moved to KL to stay with my parents. Funny thing, I was shy around my parents. Probably because that my parents I knew were my grandparents. Mummy & Daddy would come to visit me over the weekends... So I never really knew them that well. Staying with them changed things. First, I learned to know my brother, Amir. I didnt know him very well either at that time. So, guess who I was close to then? Surprise surprise, the maid, Kak Norma. 

Family

But as time pass, me and abang got closer. Everyone thought we were twins since we looked so alike. It was cool. I was happy people thought we were twins. Then we went for family holidays etc. Got closer to parents. But still shy around Mom. probably because she worked a lot. Mom works in IBM Malaysia. The kind of company one would wanna grow old into. She is super good at her job. Inspiring. Ok back to the story. Abang is the high-achiever. More like overachiever. Straight As with both eyes closed. Serious. And and he's a sportsman. Big one. He played soccer and athletics at state level. How crazy is that. He was also picked for Malaysia Team B Under-18 when he was like 15? So I was always in the shadows. The kind of attention I got would be..hmmmm...let's see.. the negative kind. 

The ladies-Sofea dalam perut lagi

Sofea

So thats why...the moment I was allowed to move to my parent's condo at Jalan Tun Razak, I found something I was instantly in love in. It is called space. OMG I never had it and I am addicted to it. Its not freedom that I seek. Its just space. Being on my own. I enjoyed cooking, cleaning and just being on my own. I'll upload the pictures tomorrow heheheh i'll be staying there tmrw. Oh and I've installed broadband as well. Uber-fast 4MB. Of course it aint HSBB. 

Space. I'm turning into a loner. I only hear myself. And nothing else. Why do I love it so much? Well, I have peace of mind. I have trouble sleeping. But not at my pad. Im not being a baby. Just that, I have peace over there. And I love every second of it. I feel, independent. Well, that figures my personality test years ago. Many would look at me and say, "Oh, you're an extroverted person. You like being around people etc"... but test results proved otherwise. I am in fact, an introvert. Funny huh? 

I must have picked up the need to be "chirpy and talkative" to be accepted..socially that is. And when I was younger, I always thought it was a surviving skill I needed to be good at. So yes, I would say I was popular at school. Its always about who my friends are, what we wear and how good we look. Shallow high school mindsets. Over and done with. On hindsight, I'd rather be a nerd. The kind no one would ever notice. And probably I'd be smarter. Much smarter. IF la. 

I went to primary school in TTDI. That is SKTTDI (1). The school of champions. Hehehhehe... I was a librarian..turned prefect. My brother was a prefect too. And the best student. I was, hmmm... a mediocre I'd say. But I made it in sports. Not the best, but at least one of. Nothing big like abang though. He's the living legend of TTDI. 

Then, I joined Sekolah Menengah Taman Sri Hartamas in Form 1. Party school. My dad labelled it as The 90210 of Malaysia. There was house-parties like every other weekend. Yes, we were exposed early. But on hindsight, I think its for the better. We got tired early too. Of course, we were no angels. Gosh, on hindsight, i feel sorry for my parents for having to go through that. I was such a difficult daughter to raise. No wonder they kept on wondering how they managed to have a daughter like me. I was a monster. Astaghfirullah. Sorry mom and dad. At least, I didnt die in that period. Imagine that. I'd be burning as we speak. And yes, i came to realization that I am nothing like them. 

Where did I go wrong? Alhamdulillah things have changed now. I hope, one day, my parents would see it. Insecurities would be something I'd have to battle years to come. Been battling the past 20 over years. And yes, my parents did say things like "we dont know what we did wrong to have you"..."why cant you be like your cousins"... I always took it the wrong way. But they are right. I am different. 

Probably cause, I never had a normal childhood. It was probably a dark patch. But I learned forgiveness from such a young age. I never knew why, some people who are victims of sex abuse would speak. Now, I know. In my case however, only two or three of my friends know. And I hope it will remain that way. I forgave. To protect my family. So, yes, I know what family meant. And I know people screw up. I believe in second chances. After all, this is family we're talking about. I was four. It ended once I turned into a ..-not a girl not yet a woman stage-. like 11? Something I had to endure growing up making sure no one finds out. 

I was embarrassed. Humiliated of myself. Partly blaming myself for it. Not knowing what is happening or why its happening. But I learned. I thank Allah for giving me the strength. And I forgave him. Life goes on. 

Did that affect my relationship with men? It probably does. Maybe it doesnt. Who knows? I only dated men with issues. Probably cause I had the need to nurse and to fix things. Thinking I could make a difference. And I'd sabotage my relationships so it'd never work out. Hmmmm.... guess I'm just not ready. 

In life, we have ups and downs...its no sugar and spice. Thats what makes life interesting. I guess everyone has a side of story that would never be told. Some are. Life is too short. Take everyday as if its your last. 

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